Wtf even is a nerve modulation?

I wish I knew.

My consultant wasn't helpful.

I can't understand him. It's scary.

I did ask him but the response I got was, "Ah, I just stick a probe in your neck, there will be much bruising but the probe will affect your nerves and we experiement and see what happens".

Yeah, doesn't that sound like a fun time.

I'm shitting it a lot. Probing of the neck commences this time next week.

I've been advised not to smoke before the operation. I will be smoking. I have also been advised to sleep before the operation. I wont be sleeping. I have also been told not to worry about it. I am worrying.

I fail.

I really hope the nerve modulation doesn't.

It probably will.

Anyone fancy trading places? I think I've changed my mind.

Pass me the questionnaire.

The one that asks you how you've been feeling the past two weeks.

I can tick all the right boxes and get put on meds which mean I'm -allowed- to be a miserable sod.

I'm fed up.

I know they don't work but codeine wont kill me, and I'm not allowed any stronger meds, and who knows, lithium might come my way at some point.

*smiles hopefully*

Dear God, have I really reached this point again?

Yes.

-sigh-

My head hurts.

I've been thinking too much again. An unhealthy amount. The amount at which I begin to wonder if it really is all mine afterall, or are the crazies giving me a (not so helpful) helping hand again? Or is that just me hoping it's them offering me a hand because I don't like it and don't want it to be mine?

Gah. I can't even tell anymore.

Everything is questioned. Everything ends with a "Why?" and needs a justification. Everything. I don't kid. Everything. What I eat, to what I do, to what I think, to why am I thinking it. It's tedious. It's annoying. And I'm pretty obvious it shows.

But I can deal with that. Sure, it's annoying but it's okay.

I can't deal with the really stupid stuff. The stuff that hits a nerve. The old stuff. The stuff I've tried so ridiculously hard to remove from my head. The stuff that just wont budge. The love. The betrayal. The personal space crap. The question of genuine sanity. Gosh, how dramatic!

I don't want it constantly swimming around my head getting questioned over and over. I want it gone. I almost managed it before, why the fuck can't I do it again?

It's that time of year again.

September. I can't stand September. It's a vile month. It's a mutual thing though, so I guess that makes it okay. And as per usual (and as expected) everything seems to have turned to shit once again. It's an annual thing though, so I guess that makes it okay.

Five years since my oh so wonderful nerve condition began. As of yesterday. Wonderful. And just to rub salt in the wound all has flared up again and still no word on my nerve modulation. Wonderful. I'm quite peeved about this.

My university are also fucking me about. Joy. It's a rather complicated situation, which is equally frustrating. A wonderful Catch 22 scenario to be precise. Not enough credits to enrol for third year, but I need to enrol for third year to pick up extra modules. I was told this was fine last semester but apparently they have now changed their minds and nobody really knows what is going on; least of all me. Idiots.

I'm also considering a frontal lobotomy, so if anybody knows of anywhere good please let me know. It's getting a little silly now.

And just to make things worse, I have no cigs so decided it was time to use to baccy. It's a year old. I didn't care, at least not until half way through when I suddenly noticed a rather pungent smell somewhat similar to mouldy dog fart. A word of warning; avoid year old baccy. It's not great.

What a wonderful post to make having neglected my blog for two months.

My mother and the (somewhat relaxed) Internet King are visiting tomorrow though, I'm quite looking forward to this.

And I have a house. This can only be good.

Nasty grudges over trivial issues.

Apparently that's how things work if you're the Internet King / God? I can't remember which. It might even be both, depending on the mood.

The Internet King? BT? AOL? Tiscali? I hear you ask. No. The Internet King is my ginger sibling. Yes, he knoww much about computers and technology and the like so it is kind of an understandable title. But he gave himself the title. I giggled at fisrt. It amused me. Well, it did until I realised that actually it was a serious superiority thing. THE INTERNET KING MUST HAVE ACCESS TO THE INTERNET (or what!? he dies?) It's not quite so dramatic as that, he just gets very, very moody. Understandable. Nobody likes to go without the internet. But at home we have an awful internet connection, it comes with living in a village, you get over it or used to it or whatever. It's annoying but you deal. Unless you are the all powerful Internet King!

Ways the Internet King ovcomes dodgy internet connection:
-bitch at whoever is online and accuse them of streaming / downloading / being greedy, not taking into consideration that the Internet King himself is actually playing his favourite MMORPG, and downloading at the same time whilst talking to his internet buddies on stream.
-restart the router, not taking into consideration that other people are online and possibly in the middle of something.
-altering the settings of the internet so it requires a password to connect, taking into considering that nobody else knows the password. RESULT! If you are indeed IK (Internet King)

So, the first two I can deal with. They are annoying but like I said earlier, you get over it. But yesterday IK puts the third plan into practice thus disconnecting me, hunter and fleenface from the internet. Happy IK. Grumpy siblings and guest. IK does not see problem with what he has done. According the the IK that is not selfish. Or annoying. Or anything, in fact, it is quite acceptable. Now, it woudld be if IK paid for the internet but it is not his internet, it is actually paid for by my father and is meant to be for the whole family. You see the problem!? Good.

So, I explain my problem to the IK who still continues to see no problem with what he has done. So I do the childish thing and decide that if I can't connect to the internet then my brother shouldn't be able to either. I hide the router. I had nothing to lose. I didn't have the internet, if I can't have it then he shouldn't either! Yeah, I went there - I took away the internet from the Internet King! Maybe I shouldn't have, maybe I don't have the right but then again, what right does the ginger one have to naming himself the Internet King.

And I wish I hadn't. It all got very silly, there were elastic bands pinged into my face (ouch) shortly followed by angry dinosaurs hitting IK (ouch, to my hand) and some very daft insults and whatnot. Followed by my mother getting moody at me for taking the router - which incidently I hid in the kitchen because I am fully aware that the router is not mine so I didn't put it in my room. I thought it was foolproof but according to my mother MY behaviour was selfish and inconsiderate!

Gah. I gave up. I put the router back and a few hours later IK decided to turn the internet back on. Problem solved. Issue over. Or so I thought.

Internet King is still not talking to me. Or rather he is but he is offering me no more than one word answers or insults. And is being highly unhelpful and quite rude.

I fail to understand how somebody can get so worked up about the internet, so much so that he refused to give my friend a lift home because of "my behaviour the previous day" Internet King does not only like control over the internet but he also apparently feels it is his right to punish me for something which ultimately was not my fault!

So, if anybody has any ideas on how we can overrule the Internet King they would be much appreciated!

I am like every other human being in existence.

Nothing more. Nothing less.

I am sure that some people will insist on telling me that I am a lot more worthy than a great number of others, I often find myself thinking I'm less worthy than the majority of people. But at the end of the day all we are is human, and that is all we can ever be. So please, don't bore me with inspirational crap. It really doesn't interest me. Denial is a wonderful thing. Reality is ugly. But truth is probably one of the most beautiful things one can ever experience. My idea of beauty probably differs from yours. Experiencing things in their truest forms appeals to me more than seeing them on a level in which they are disguised, even if this experience proves to be foul. What does one have to gain from an experience when one is perfectly aware it is a charade?

My issue, however, is this; How does one perceive truth?

I have developed a knowledge of the world which exceeds the amount I wish to know, I never treasured being naive. I now realise how wrong I was to resent such a blessing. I have discovered questions which I never knew existed. I'm yet to discover if the answers are to follow. I occasionally think they will, other times I think they're out of reach.

I guess time will only tell. Meanwhile, my patience and tolerance for my surroundings will only continue to be tested. Maybe I'll cave in one day. Maybe one day somebody will pass me a torch to enable me to see where I'm going. Maybe this torch will be literal, maybe metaphorical. I don't know. I have no answers. I have only questions. And far too many thoughts.

This is a human life. This is all it can ever be. Some people will tell me to make the most out of it. But what can I do when I think I've made too much out of it, already? What can I do when I have somehow managed to overfill it with a nasty combination of knowledge and confusion? What can I do when I have somehow created a mind with cannibalistic, self-destructive desires? There is nothing I can do. After all, I am only human.

Something isn't quite right.

And I can't quite figure out what it is.

Funny five minutes are quite acceptable in life, when indeed they are funny five minutes; lasting for five minutes. Funny five days however, are rather annoying; especially when one has no justification for said strange behaviour or indeed, any idea when said strange behaviour will end.

I want my God damn time machine already!

Shouting random words, repeating "that's what she said!" far too many times and generally being oddd is not cool.

I'm being too weird, even for my standards, which is mighty impressive.

I don't like it.

-sulks-