Sunday, 11 April 2010

The last month of my life

has been.. interesting?

I believed I was in love with a man. A boy. My firend. Whatever. For a moment of my life I believed I was in love. I refused. Love does bad things to dinosaurs. It screws us over. It's better kept away. And that's cool with me. Dinosaurs are solitary creatures. Being the last remaining dinosaur allows me to create these facts, and I like that, I can define myself and a whole species all at the same time. It's fun. Anyway, I'm straying from the subject. A few weeks ago, I genuinely believed I had fallen into the trap for the second time in my life. I was terrified. I shared this information with nobody, and attempted to keep it away from myself.

After spending a few days with the guy, after having not seen him in over a year, I realised I was wrong. I was in love with the idea of him. With the idea of not being lonley. With the idea of potentially forgetting my many fucked up issues with personal contact. Maybe even with the idea of falling love again. I had fallen in love with an idea. That certainly is a new one.

Maybe I do want to have somebody to share the rest of my life with. I don't know. All I know is currently the part of me who used to win, still does. The part of me adamant to push people away before they choose to leave is still there. I think it might have even grown. I thought it had shurnk, my bad.

Sorry if you're reding this willosaurus, you make a good dinosaur, if I wasn't one I might have even believed you were one.

I'm too fucked up for relationships, because I want to be. At least that's what I tell myself. I might have even convinced myself.

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