Not that I want it to particularly. Loving somebody gives me a reason to exist. It has consumed me, without it I am nothing, and without it I would not want to exist.
It's probably killing me, or rather, I'm probably killing myself. I mean, having a desire for something you know isn't possible seems kind of ridiculous, and the cause of a lot of unnecessary pain. For instance, you apply for a job - one which you have not enough qualifiactions for, one which you lack vital experience for, one which ultimately you know you will never be offered - yet you still find yourself applying. There is no logic. But if that job meant so much to you then you would apply regardless. I see the job application, I fill the form out, I just never sent it off. Or maybe I did, and it just didn't arrive in time.
I feel so bad for comparing somebody who means a lot to me with a job description.
I think my problem is that I'm happy being second best. I've always been content with not being number one. It's part of who I am.
I can't help but feel that I have lost my best friend to a certain extent since she has moved on with her life. She's still here, she always will be; she's promised me that, and I can trust her. But a physical presence isn't the same as an emotional one.
People have told me, more than once, that if seeing my best friend with her husband-to-be is as painful as I say it is then I should ask her to choose between the two of us. I think that is the most ridiculous suggestion I have ever heard in my life. I can't even begin to contemplate how selfish and hurtful that would be. One. Why would I let something as stupid as jealousy potentially ruin the best friendship I've ever had, and two; when you love someone your main priority in life is their happiness, regardess of anything. My life is a lot better when in the company of the person I love. I don't even want to begin to think where my life would be without her. She is the only person capable of making me happy. I'm not going to do anything that would have even the slightest chance of losing that. And three. As odd as it seems - I am happy for her. Ridiculously so. I mean, seriously, where is the logic in wanting to take something so wonderful away from your best friend?
Everybody dreams of falling in love.
It should come with a warning.
Ah well. I'm a dinosaur; we're loyal beings and friendships mean a silly amount to us. I still have my catalyst, I should stop complaining. She's probably going to eat me when she reads this, and then she's probably going to tell me that I haven't lost her at all, and then I'm going to feel very silly and then she's going to agree and then I'm going to apologise. And that will be that.
"But for here, for now, just between us two, and for no other reason save I am me and you are you, I tell you this. I am glad, glad that you are alive. To see you take breath puts the breath back in my lungs. If there must be another my fate is twined around, I am glad it is you."
He leaned forward then and for an instant pressed his brow to mine. Then he breathed a heavy sigh and drew back from me. "Go to sleep, boy," he said in a fair imitation of Chade's voice. "Tomorrow comes early. And we've work to do." He laughed unevenly. "We've the world to save, you and I."
He leaned forward then and for an instant pressed his brow to mine. Then he breathed a heavy sigh and drew back from me. "Go to sleep, boy," he said in a fair imitation of Chade's voice. "Tomorrow comes early. And we've work to do." He laughed unevenly. "We've the world to save, you and I."
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