I have spent my life running away from things I don't like; whether in a metaphorical manner, or indeed a literal one. For example, I should currently be writing my assignment but instead am writing my blog, I see a spider and run a fucking mile - unless it has cunningly placed itself between me (sitting on the bog) and the door, in which case an exception is sometimes made.
Psychosis allows no exceptions but instead constantly reminds me of things I have tried so hard to forget or re-creates things in ways I know they can't have happened. However, being a part of my mind it has the capability to convince me otherwise and I find myself believing my own Hellish fictions.
People assume psychosis is not much more than voices inside ones head. I wish it were that simple.
Psychosis will put emphasis on things you would normally consider unimportant. Or skew ones judgement of things. I like to describe it as an intoxication of the mind. When you have had a few drinks you see things differently, you will say things you wouldn't normally say, think things that normally wouldn't occur to you. The bliss, however, of alcohol is that one can consume it in vast amounts and reach a point where the mind almost stops. Psychosis, for me, doesn't seem to hold this quality, instead it will fade to a point of slight irritation; a feeling of awkwardness or uneasiness, or develop to a point of sheer frustration. A frustration I wont even bother attempting to describe. The results of which are often quite embarrassing and are preferred to be undergone in solitude.
I complain about such things, yet on the extremely rare ocassion it leaves me I am left in a great state of worry. It being a constant thing, when it does go, you can't help but feel something is missing. And that thing is your mind. I fear things which would probably be considered daft; I fear that I may have forgotten how to think for myself.
To lose ones ability to think would mean losing ones ability to express intellect. To me, that sounds foul.
This isn't really going anywhere. I guess it never does.